ROLLA, Missouri- It appears the Rolla, Missouri Police Department took the unusual step of doing some investigative journalism of its own to set the record straight about Creepy Clown sightings. In the end, they concluded there is nothing to be worried about in the city right now.
“CREEPY CLOWNS IN ROLLA!!!!!!!…..are not real. Well they are, but they aren’t. How do I know? Because I spent the entire day investigating them.
So here is what I’ve found. In Rolla there have been several instances where “people” have seen creepy clowns. There were two creepy clowns with Facebook accounts who were luring people to their doom. There was a gentleman that claimed that he was actually attacked and stabbed by one of the creepy clowns in Rolla. There was also a video that was made at a local park here in Rolla, of one of the creepy clowns.
So as I spoke with each person who claimed that they had personal knowledge of the creepy clowns I asked them if they actually seen one. Some people told me that they didn’t actually see one but they heard they were real. Other people told me, “Well, I didn’t see one, but my good friend ______ saw one and I’m sure they almost were killed!” The bottom line is no one actually saw one with one exception, which we will cover later.
There were at least two Facebook accounts of individuals who were posing as creepy clowns who were messaging random people as well as sending friend requests. These two individuals were school age individuals who thought that it was funny to act as if they were trying to lure people to a local supermarket.
I spoke with a young man this morning who claimed that he was assaulted by the crazy creepy clowns of Rolla, Missouri! While talking with him he told me that he lied. I of course asked him if he actually had seen any creepy clowns and he began to explain how there were a couple in this other park. I asked him if he was lying again and he said that he was. He quickly admitted that he had not been assaulted, stabbed, threatened, mean mugged or even given a stern talking to by any clown whatsoever. He had not seen a clown, creepy or not, of any kind.
Then I ended up tracking down the young aspiring cinematographers, who will remain nameless. It was the weekend and they were out and about with their female friends. They had also heard of the creepy clowns that have been sweeping through the nation doing their nefarious deeds. Well it turns out one of the girls has a little bit of a fear of clowns so they decided to play a joke on her. They had one of the husbands put on a black outfit and put on a creepy clown mask. The husband who was dressed as a creepy clown then met them by the same supermarket that we talked about a couple paragraphs ago. This of course really scared the girls. They then went to a large local park in Rolla that we all love and are familiar with because they heard that there were more creepy clowns there too. As they drove into the back portion of the lot wouldn’t you know it, another creepy clown was hiding behind a tree! Actually it was the same guy from the supermarket. He walked up to the vehicle and then it sped off.
While I was talking to the person who made the recording he introduced me to the clown who was in the video. Needless to say, I survived the encounter. He also was nice enough to let me take a picture of the mask that he was wearing in the movie. They’re both just normal guys who were playing a joke on the girls. I asked the young man where he got the mask but I already knew. Has anybody else found it somewhat of a coincidence that right as Wal-Mart and other major retailers began to sell Halloween costumes is when all of these creepy clowns started to pop up?
So, after a thorough investigation I have concluded that there are no creepy killer homicidal clowns in Rolla, Missouri. I did hear about a mime stuck in a box though that may still need assistance.
There is one more thing I think that is worth mentioning. This whole creepy clown stuff did actually scare some people. If you think it’s a good idea to put on a clown mask there is nothing illegal about that. Keep in mind that scared people do crazy things sometimes and there the chance you may find yourself in a precarious situation. But don’t worry, we will respond and investigate the assault.”